I arrive depleted and crazy, yet encouraged. A meditation Christopher suggested has offered some much-needed perspective. Only as I focus in my body AND on Heaven-on-Earth can I bear what’s up for me and begin even to have humor about it.
I’ve loved myself open to full destruction. It’s dawned a realization in me of a hatred and willingness to kill that’s been there since I was murdered by my husband in a lifetime many lifetimes ago.
All these lifetimes of not claiming my power. So many shadow lifetimes with others to blame and hate, but always at the core a fear of myself that I would explode.
I don’t exactly know what I’ve feared, but I think murder. I suspect that after being murdered myself, I’ve longed myself to kill, but I kept this locked down. Terrified of myself, I’ve worked with vigilance to control the vengeance within me. As I ran around the lake this morning with my twin meditation focus, there it was, just kind of getting light shone on it by focusing on heaven and Earth. With a large view, I could kind of love myself in my hatred and see it as not such a big deal in the scheme of things.
I finally have a container that’s big enough to hold the me I’ve avoided seeing for so long.
And in loving her, I turn a corner to actually forgiving my husband for murdering me.
It’s the same husband, by the way, that lifetime and this one.
I’ve thought of leaving, especially recently. It feels like we’ve been locked in a toxic pattern of devastation. He’s just continued to trigger in me the one thing I wish not to be.
A spider works its way toward me on the table. I keep crying today, weeping with the surrender and loss, the utter grief of having no hope anymore that we’ll emerge together okay. Women get our primary sense of self from the quality of our relationships. But I’m learning to forgive. I felt so disappointed last night that we fought on a date night. So I took myself to bed and made love to me with triple arcs of glee. It was nice to remember that I am worthy, that my love is a precious treasure and, to quote Byron Katie, I have everything I need. I don’t need anything from my husband.
But I’m so sad. It’s so tragic. We’re supposed to be happy together, and instead I lose my temper in a rage beyond anything I’ve ever known and then we both feel demolished. I don’t know what to do. Quite honestly, I have no idea if we’ll make it. If we should try. In holy hope, I imagine we decided to heal this huge wound together. I always imagine mortals before we decide to incarnate again as being so full of vim and vigor, so excited for the challenge, so full of our beautiful spirits, so sure we will have a wonderful time on our journey. So gung-ho. So sure it’s going to be grand. Maybe it will be.
I’m either insane to stay at this point or we’re very, very close to healing one of the great wounds of our past millenniums. Or neither. Or I’m just in another destructive relationship trying to see my way clear to mercy.
I burn with injustice, with the longing to accomplish my dreams, with a distilled, clear vision for me future, with a recovered masculine willing to assist me.
I soften. I will be waiting for me as I come through this. Sara, you are not alone. There is death between us, and life—that magic elf smiling from the other side. I am either nuts to walk this road or on the path to wholeness.
I smile. I’ve given up everything else. God, do with me as you will. Please guide me, guard me, direct me and protect me. Please.
For I would become the me I’ve always longed to be. Believe.
On a different recent day, as I ran around the lake, I started thinking about planning for my death, and it cheered me up. So, yeah, I’m way gone beyond ____. Beyond what? We’ve tried everything else. All we can do is be our true infinity.
That state of infinity where we lose everything we thought we valued most. Destroyed, we type.
Save me from myself so I can at least help someone else.
And then we die and are reborn as stars.