Photo by Jametlene Reskp on Unsplash

I feel completely small, tired, scared, and shaken up by the events of the past 24 hours, during which I processed a massive amount of triggering and grief. It feels like I am losing a couple of close members of my family due to their judgments related COVID dividing lines. It seems like I am, though perhaps grace may yet prevail.

And then I stood up for someone of color to someone who, at least in my mind, didn’t even realize how dismissive he was to one of our Latina guests.

I used Nonviolent communication. I spoke about how I felt (how important it is that we broaden our movement to all kinds of new voices), what my need is (that we really listen to each other and honor one another, even when we disagree), and made a request (that we make a real effort to be tolerant and respectful and welcoming even when we have strong ideas of what’s needed for our cause to prevail). People on the Zoom call where I said this, including this particular older powerful white man, handled it well. I think what I said went in some, but without shaming him. I don’t think he had realized that he’d upset anyone.

Nonviolent communication allows us to avoid attack; I hope I offered a reality check about how his behavior affected some of us.

When I first heard what I considered dismissive behavior, my inner justice meter was like, “Oh damn it. He’s got to go.” Like we just can’t have that within our ranks.

Then I thought there has to be a better way to do this than cancel culture.

So I’m trying to save the old white guys while growing them. All these domination patterns are present in each one of us in some form, after all. Definitely in me. None of us are yet quite used to the fact that, when two people disagree, a win-win solution is possible. We just assume one of us will come out on top.

I was thinking to call up the man and speak to him privately, but our current leader said, “This isn’t just your issue. This is us. Let’s talk about it.”

So, I brought it up and we all talked, including the woman who felt dismissed. We talked about it.

Within each of our true authentic selves are these smaller, calculating selves who got us out of childhood alive. Patterns get triggered. It’s so easy to come out swinging. All shades of truth and untruth exist in us all, and in our collective. Our big ONE. So banishing is short-lived as a solution. Everyone belongs, truly. No one is NOT a child of God.

We are all each other also.

I know I’m speaking “A Course in Miracles”, and it’s okay. I’ve earned the right. Because I was scared to speak up. Afterward, I was shaking, terrified that I’d offended someone powerful. But I did it anyway.

We can just keep at it, doing the things that scare us anyway, with gentleness and compassion, but an overall forward movement. And it’s okay even if at the end of the day I feel like I don’t know if it’s all a horrendous mess or grace.

I can feel both options, and right now, they more or less both seem real. So I take a drink of myself to calm myself down. And you know I do feel better. Because I’m good for me. I need a good dose of my soul’s light every day and so I may as well let it shine.

We always love each other way more than we realize. Sometimes, we forget is all. After an argument last night, I forgot that I even loved my beloved until we snuggled. In the touching, it’s like this huge reality check that he is me, and so dear to me. I forget how hard I fought and for what. It seemed so urgent at the time. But it’s just not real.

Only the love is real. And that truly is the lesson, it always was, always will be.

We each can take as long or curvaceous a road getting there as we wish. That’s free will, and the divine respects it. The long road still arrives us eventually. Homecoming is always so sweet when we finally remember who we really are.

And it’s okay. Even though it feels like it’s crumbling. Even though it feels like a disaster. Like we’re way past all safety cones. We’re off-road, no map, scared, and bumping around like crazy. Hi. I’m just as scared and scarred as you are. But I love you just the same, even if we’re dressed up on opposite sides of some idea.

The whole contains the part and the part the whole always and evermore. The end.

It’s been such a wild ride. I’m still quaking everywhere. Too much of everything all at once. And it’s like, yeah? Welcome to the shift show.

I cannot find a photo credit for this photo. Did you take it? Let me know and I’ll credit you, link to you, or take it down if you want. Thanks, ~Sara