I hold a tier of consciousness. Some days, I wiggle and giggle and laugh and play and am a serious threat for bringing my entire grouping up with me to the next orbital. God laughs and taps his foot.

But then on other days, kind of like this one, I’m a drain. I wake feeling like I’d rather just go back to sleep, and like it’s not only wanted, but needed, like I’m ill with more than a desperate need to convince myself Monday isn’t real.

My coning teams of nature and spirit encourage me. Their feedback today consists of minor tweaks and tips. I let the dog out back and will feed and walk him after dance. This allows me to type  in my pajamas, right now.

And then there’s advice to go to work a bit early and stay a bit late both to make up for some lost time last week due to illness and to get a jump on being prepared for all that lies ahead.

And I hear them say, “You’re doing great!” They say it like the fact I’m writing regularly and publishing makes a difference in my larger writing life goals. It’s hard to see, this miniscule progress. But the number of blog subscribers slowly climbs, in part due to Christopher, my beloved, actively sharing my work.

And in a mood like I’m in today, even such incremental change daunts me. I would shake my fist, holding my blanket around me. “Not me! And Not today.”

I hear a bunch of other selves like little Mexican jumping beans say, “Yes me! Yes today!”

And my hope is restored.

We are one, you see. Like God, I laugh a little, thrilled with their enthusiasm. I feel like it will all work out. The grumbling hag climbs up on God’s lap. We all need security…still as adults we like to climb on that wide lap in our blankets for a cuddle first thing in the morning.

Last night I totally fucked up my insulin-food timing. Full and exhausted, I kept having to get more juice as my blood sugar dipped to the edge of normal. I knew that my dinner—brown rice pasta—lay in my stomach somehow not yet absorbed…that even all that juice lay in wait. My diabetes causes this condition, gastroparesis, which slows the movement of food from the stomach to the small intestine. And it’s not until what I eat begins its winding way in that chute that any of the food-turned-sugar I’ve eaten is absorbed. I knew it would hit me later, so two hours after the first insulin dose I took another…but it too, hit me too soon, requiring more juice. I fell asleep just as my blood sugar stopped dipping.

When I awoke three hours later, my meter read 548, the highest reading I’ve ever seen. According to the Mayo Clinic,if my blood sugar level tops 600 milligrams per deciliter (mg/dL), or 33.3 millimoles per liter (mmol/L), I’d have a condition known as diabetic hyperosmolar syndrome,” which left untreated can lead to a diabetic coma.

To be honest, I live most of my life contending with my diabetes like a major nuisance, say a pet monkey, that travels with me, but can be managed well given the right treatment. It’s like traveling with a toddler. It can be done, but requires advanced planning.

Last night, I trembled and I wondered whether to let my teenage daughter know I might be in trouble. I had juice beside me, and my meter, and decided not to. But I thought about it. We’re so vulnerable, you see. We may feel strong and tough but then the slightest thing sends us reeling, and health is one of those things that can slay our notion of being invulnerable within minutes, and bring us to our knees. 

Rae said last night that she’d recently asked some questions re: the universe, and received some answers. One of the answers she heard was that humanity is experiencing an energetic near-virus, one that leaves some people with strong wills unconnected from their hearts, and others connected with their hearts but without strong wills.

Both are dangerous. And Rae said she could feel multiple time-options, or historic outcomes, competing to become our future. I have my heart, I feel my heart. And I know that these times pluck the strings that want to give up, to say woe is me, to stop fighting for the future I want to see.

I mean, I could barely get out of bed this morning. I thought I was maybe too sick. But I began. I did one thing and then another and then another until wa-la! I’m at my computer typing with a day ahead and the will to live a life devoted to the best possible outcome for all humanity. And I’m asking for God to show me your will and nature to teach me the best ways to help that are both effective and in balance. So, there you go. But do you see how it teeters on the edge? Enough of us must rise up off our pallets and not give up and find the vision and dedicate every waking moment to the world we want to see. And then we need to get up the very next day and do it again. And the world hangs in the balance…it really does. So this is what we have to offer, and so we offer it willingly with our whole open hearts.