Phidippus audax male

I’m still breathing mucus out of rattling lungs, but today reigns sunny and sparkling with snow. It’s my sister’s birthday tomorrow, and we’re celebrating love with a couples’ dinner party on Saturday evening. I snap my fingers and imagine everything done—the house sparkling and beautiful, glorious food, charming ambiance, everything we all need to enjoy ourselves whole.

I almost said to pieces, which is actually the same thing as wholeness, because in my experience, we kind have to be willing to go to all to pieces to find the bigger whole. But it’s terribly uncomfortable to be one tiny piece and think, Is this all there is? We’ve all tried that experiment. Some of us recover sooner than later, but we must all recover from separation together. No one’s getting left behind. Heaven is not a spaceship that only abducts those who’re Christian or whatever. We all must be saved together. But until we are, folks go through hell, and in our denial, we create hell on Earth. (We also have the potential to create heaven on Earth.)

I can be light about this matter only after wrestling with all my emotions and surrendering in the end all of them and all of me to God and Mother Nature. Suddenly I feel the alleluia and can’t get overworked up about any of it because none of it’s real, only this heaven of oneness is real. It’s glorious. Can you feel it? Taste it? Smell it? Believe in it? It doesn’t come from escape, but through devotion to this moment and all that’s arising within it.

I believe love is all powerful and it’s God and it eats us alive and roasts us for dinner and we die laughing and we live forever and it’s all yes, yes, yes, and it intends the very best for us, always.

I wouldn’t have said this exactly an hour and a half ago, and I may not feel this way tomorrow, but I return here singing whenever I can because it’s our homeland. It’s our inheritance. God is the Borg, and resistance is futile. (Though Source respects each of our will and timing, so we can take as long as we want insisting on our separation. But it really, really hurts, doesn’t it?) It’s going to be okay, better than your hopes, dreams and wildest imaginings.

It’s okay right now. Just breathe.