Kali Awakes

Sunshine mounts as the Earth spins. I emerge into writing late, sipping tea and nursing a headache, having been lost and found already. My beloved and I sat across from each other this morning in the fine chairs before the fireplace. I told him I was making friends with the goddess of destruction. I met Kali Ma as I tried to name the force of anger our fights spark in me. I am terrified of this fierce aspect of me who would do anything for protection. As I read about Kali Ma, I am gratified. One of her talents is slaying the ego.

Christopher said he would seek out the goddess of divine timing. I ask him if he was transgender, and he said, “only in my finest moments.”

We went to dinner Friday night at Yurihana’s. I asked the waitress which entrees had a lot of vegetables. “This one, this one, and this one,” she said, pointing to the menu, “have too much vegetables.” Too much. Just right.

My defenses crumble all around my chair. I am no longer there.

We lose egos throughout our lifetime like skin cells. I don’t know who remains. All is lost but God and Kali Ma, the divine mother. She helps me welcome and recognize what’s untamable, and reckless, perfectly insane and perfect, ferocious yet sprouting nourishment, on a true spiritual path, yet wielding death, full in her sexuality, goddess beyond time.

She is your power, Christopher said. She comes with blessings. Ancient Greeks named their powerful emotions as gods to make sense of them. So in battle, Ares might visit a warrior, transforming him with a power beyond human. God is the only true power, the Course in Miracles reminds me. But we must reckon with all our emotions as forces inside us in their full might…terrifying, godly… before we might temper them with love and have their knees bend in service. And if we do not reckon with them, they unleash themselves all over the place, hurting others, and when those others retaliate in anger we, unaware of our slashing octopus arms wielding knives, say, “What?! I didn’t do anything.”

My resistance is a midwestern farm wife with some time to spare (unusual!) wondering whether to host a séance or do the crossword puzzle. One’s a lot more comfortable and common sense. Jesus protect us in both. Jesus protect us all as I welcome and allow this ferocious raging Kali, slayer of egos. My dead petty kings hang like keys from my belt. Each should be a skull, but they were once me, and I am trying to appear more invitable to tea.

I feel better having accepted Kali within, but not at all clear how to proceed. I don’t know what will become of me.

https://kashgar.com.au/blogs/gods-goddesses/kali-a-most-misunderstood-goddess

Better to do the crossword with coffee using the dried creamer, rather than go shopping for milk and risk meeting Kali in the isles. She comes to tea anyway. My skulls dance around my Hawaiian skirt anyway. The séance leader and attendants came and fled. The ancestors were scared of Kali also. A woman angry is a woman gone mad. All those thousands of years of women enraged. All those women keeping it under wraps. All my ancestors whirling with the forces of creation and destruction in the bright rolling pins and flour tins of kitchen aprons. Oh, tempest. We have ignored you so long. No wonder the very Earth retaliates against us. Kali is God as Mother Nature. And she is pissed.

I’m furious beyond measure. I would do anything to protect myself. I am dangerous to myself and to you. I am insane and insanity making. I have no idea how to incorporate Kali into my being while still helping rather than hurting you, me, humanity. No idea. But she is here, she is sacred, she is welcome. And for once, I honor her and wish to learn. God protect us all while I am learning. Who is driving this boat? The rage feels unstoppable, with lifetimes of pent-up force. We are the lion’s lair, the volcano erupting, the Earthquakes, hurricanes and tornados. You tried to civilize and control us. And you did, just as you subjugated this beautiful world and laid waste to it in the name of your profit god. He cannot save you, cannot save us. We are coming into our power, awakening, and heads will roll.