Photo by Rise Keller
I’ve decided to become my own cheerleader. I’ve got to believe in my dreams or no one will. Since World War II, many American athletes have enjoyed squads of (mostly) women cheering them on. Meanwhile, my own thoughts sometimes act more like drunken relatives, telling me I’m worthless and why even try.
It seems like when I was younger it was easier to just go for things. Now, no matter what I long to accomplish, sometimes my dreams just feel like so much work.
Sure, there’s the fear: Rather not risk it. Rather not turn around and face whatever terror currently stares me down.
Yet most of what we love most comes from taking a risk, betting on ourselves, walking outside with some grit, and hoping that this crazy world will hold us up. We wonder whether we can cause this life thing to turn out in some way close to how we want it to. We make a bold move, and even when it goes a little awry, something happens. Maybe we at least get a good laugh out of it. Maybe we wind up somewhere we wouldn’t have otherwise and are able to share a word of kindness at a moment when it matters to a stranger.
Maybe I’m getting old and tired, but I have to say that resting feels extraordinarily fabulous to me. I could sip tea and read or stare outside happily for some time at any time.
Thankfully, the bad aunties come and go, and at least today I am not having any self-bashing thoughts.
“Our thoughts lead to our feelings, and our feelings can lead to actions,” a cognitive therapist told me last week. “This is one of the only things in therapy we know with 100 percent certainty.”
However, a couple of times recently when I think I am strong and start to feel a little pleased with myself, I have gotten injured. I sprained my ankle running, then my knuckle playing bass. Is this just my age? Or is it ego-culling, an important process many of us are going through right now? Hah! says the Universe. You think it’s going to be your will that is done?! Hah-hah.
I am wondering, though, if I have a “bad auntie” of a thought who believes I’d better not shine too brightly. Could it be that whenever I think I am awesome she comes in and sabotages me so that I injure myself?
This cognitive therapist suggested I keep a notebook of my thoughts and watch how they make me feel. Then, if I can think up a new improved thought on my own, I’m to try it out and see how my experience changes.
Sometimes though, she said, our thoughts are so dominant we may need help to ask a friend or a partner to help us think of an alternative.
My thought pivot for today comes courtesy of a friend, who at breakfast recently confided to me that she had all but given up hope about her marriage working; however, thanks to a new and gifted marriage counselor, things are finally shifting.
She said, “I don’t know how anyone can believe there is no God or whatever you want to call it watching out for us when there are these examples.” These surprises show up on the other side of despair and change everything.
Of grace? I said.
Yes, of grace, she said.
Pivot thought: What if this entire universe really is conspiring to help us? What if a benevolent and intelligent Source in fact loves us unconditionally and through everything?
I might take a nap then, maybe with the cat. Whatever this benevolent universe has in store for me, it will help me to be well-rested, right?
It’s my dream. And I’m just bold enough to do it.
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